hear me out?

Why am I feeling this way?
Is this sadness, is this regret, is this jealousy, what emotion is this?
What am I feeling right now? 

I feel like typing my story all over again. 

I am not a perfect person, a flawed human being going through life's trials & tribulations. 

I keep on forgetting how blessed I am but at the same time I feel that I deserved more. 

I am sorry for questioning and for being impatient. 
I know my so called friends cant help me. 
I am just so sorry for being ungrateful for the cards that have been dealt to me. 

As everyone around me might have known that I was in a so called committed and serious relationship from the Summer of 2013 and that ended in Winter 2019.
Just. Right. Before. The. Well-known. Pandemic. 
nCOV-19.

I got over that person - alright, I committed my traumatic emotions, how bleak my future looked without someone, to God alone, I knew I got over it just fine. Or so I thought I did.

Back in the early 2020s, day in day out - seemed like a blur to me, i remember wanting to talk to him so much again. I experienced palpitations daily and I could not sleep, I cried myself to sleep most of the times, stayed awake till dawn but nothing changed for me. I was in great stress n turmoil. 
To be honest I experienced this before, he did this to me before I told myself. & let us go back to Winter 2015. 

2015 generally was a horrible year for us both
- fought an awful lot over petty things 
- was the time Julian entered into the picture - January-April 2015 
- the year we took a break beginning of the year and end of the year. 
- the year end break was horrible.

The year end break was caused by allegedly me not being able to 

Winter 2015. 

Preempted myself that my ex would rebound back with someone and in the later Fall of 2020 I got news that he was going after both of my friends, they were smart enough to know whatever happened to me was no joke and who am I to lie about the things I went through. 
He is happily with someone now, someone he once told me that 'she is the naughty kid who had many friends who club/drink, portrayed as someone 'worldly' in that sense. 
I never believed him cos this is borderline character assassination. Who am i to judge someone's life? 
Fast Forward to 2021, his ig was graced with couple pictures of both of them glazed with maskless smiles with captions like "thanks for bringing much happiness into his hard thug life of 2021" - right. 

I do not care if he is a changed person for his someone new right now, none of my business to judge his life. I chose that life to not continue with him, I am here now, I keep on wishing that I did not prolonged my sufferings. I do have my ownself to blame but I hope all i hope is that I can find the happiness that God once promised us. 

I feel like going through all the things I tolerated back in the day. 
Once again. Cos I am going through this emotional roller coaster of my mind and it seems to be never ending.  

I dont want to recall them cos I have forgiven him, forgiven myself but I need to tell myself once again why that we were never compatible from the start. 

I have deleted all my messages and interactions with him from back in the day. 

It would be an understatement in believing that I am healed from this trauma from my past relationships.